New Research Suggests...

If a movie star offers you a shameless night of passion, and your response is,"Um... I need to investigate your character", you might be a Bahá'í.

If you get more excited by LSA than LSD, you might be a Bahá'í.



If the only smoke you envision when you hear the phrase "joint feast" is from overdone tadiq, you might be a Bahá'í.



If you think March Madness is the result of extreme hunger, you might be a Baha'i.

If you see "Some Assembly Required" written on a box and you think it
came from a place that needs home front pioneering, you might be a
Bahá'í.

If you see a real estate billboard that says "Fully Detached Community" and you drive on saying "We're not needed here", you might be a
Bahá'í.

If it's the Ides of March, your stomach growls, and you answer the pager on your belt, you might be a Bahá'í.

If your idea of the perfect family vacation is to wait for ten years,
climb a mountain on foot where there are no casinos, no golf course, no tennis courts, you have to stay quiet, stand in line, cannot take pictures, visit a lot of gravesites, and at the end of ten days they kick you out of the country, you might be a Bahá'í.

Entreaties Receive Divine Assistance

A community member appeared before the LSA about a matter of significant personal concern. The Assembly, in response, consulted and proposed a thoughtful course of action. The petitioner listened carefully, then raised a series of objections, and anticipated difficulties in carrying out the suggestions.

The following week, the petitioner returned to the LSA with another issue, and the previous week's scenario played out again, with the petitioner at odds with the Assembly.

This continued for well over a month. Each time the friend presented some new problem, consultation ensued, and the friend raised objections to the guidance. By this time, the poor Assembly members were frustrated and in a general dither, not knowing how to assist the petitioner.

After a month of meetings, the friend sought more guidance. And, once more, the petitioner presented a new problem. Frazzled, but willing to consult one more time, the believer was invited to step into the next room while the Assembly consulted, and was asked and asked to recite the "The Remover of Difficulties" prayer 95 times while the LSA members consulted.

After consultation, one of the members went to fetch the believer from the room. The bewildered Assembly member returned to the group, and reported...

"The room is EMPTY"!

Be Thou Further Illuminated!

Q: How many Baha'is does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10: 1 to change the bulb, and 9 to consult about it.

Q: How many Baha'is does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 12: 9 to consult about it, one to do it, and 2 to make tea.

Q: How many Baha'is does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2. One to screw it in, and one to bring refreshments.

Q: How many Baha'i Youth does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hold it, the rest to move the world!

Top 10 Ruhi - Inspired Songs

10. Kenny Rogers - Ruhi, Don't Take Your Love to Town
9. The Rolling Stones - Ruhi Tuesday (Assembly Wednesday)
8. The Smashing Pumpkins / Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness - Thru the Eyes Of Ruhi
7. Seals & Crofts - Ruhi Gene (and Billie Lee)
6. Bjork - Ruhi Baby
5. Johnny Cash - See Ruhi Fall
4. Deep Purple - Jack Ruhi
3. Pat Green - Ruhi's Two Sad Daughters
2. Helen Reddy - Leave Me Alone (Ruhi Redress)

...And the nunber 1 Ruhi-inspired song...

The Kingsmen - Ruhi Ruhi

From the "Narcissus" Files...

"Dear friends- You are cordially invited to attend the upcoming..."

A Checkered Past

Top 9 Signs You Could Use a Little More Deepening

9. You think that 'Secret of Divine Civilization' is a mystery novel

8. You go to feast wearing a dinner jacket

7. You've taken warning and built a shelter in order to protect yourself from entry by those dreaded troops

6. You think 'Progressive Revelation' is just a fancy term for strip poker

5. The only thing you know about Akká, is that it is the same word spelled backwards

4. You take marshmallows to firesides

3. You're worried about your chances of getting audited by the Huqúqu'llah Committee

2. Your interpretation of the Four Year Plan: interested seekers can declare for a 4 year trial period without any further obligations

1. 1844? Army time for 6:44 p.m.

Top 9 ‘Golden Age’ Disney Remakes

9. Herbie Goes on Pilgrimage

8. The Shaggy Auxiliary Board Member

7. James and the Giant Seeker

6. 9 Dalmatians

5. Snow White and the Seven Assembly Members

4. Honey I Shrunk The House of Worship

3. The Apple Dumpling Gang Pays Huququ’llah

2. Beauty and the Feast

1. FAITHtasia

Q:  Why is Baha'u'llah the best interior decorator?
A:  Because he can change abasement into glory.

Q:  What do you call a Baha'i who gets evicted from his
    apartment?
A:  A traveling teacher!

Q:  Why should Baha'is never use stain remover?
A:  Baha'u'llah said, "Blessed is the spot."

God Answers Prayers

Two Baha'i milk glasses- one empty, the second the same, except for a straw sticking out of it- were conversing.

The glass with the straw says to the other, "Everything was going fine. I was saying my prayers this morning, and then I said, "O God, make me a hollow reed..."

Cogito Ergo Sum-thing...

The story goes that Mrs. Descartes was preparing an event to commemorate
the Ascension of 'Abdu'l-Baha. She had invited all the local Baha'is.

Moments before the guests started to arrive she instructed her husband,
Rene, that the pastries on the table to the side were not to be eaten until the commemoration started. To make sure, she gave Rene the job of guarding them until an hour or so after midnight -- at which time she would invite the guests to help themselves. Though deep in thought, he agreed to mind the table.

As the party got into full swing, Descartes found himself in an absorbing
philosophical discussion with Vandyke over why Titian removed a church from
the Venetian background in one of his paintings. To hear each other better, the two wandered away from the crowd, in the direction of the forbidden baked goods.

Without Descartes noticing, Vandyke starting munching thoughtfully on a pastry. Suddenly Descartes snapped out of his thoughts and realised what Vandyke was doing. His reaction surprised Vandyke, who figured that Descartes surely must have just thought of something of great significance.

Discretely, Descartes wrote a message on a napkin and handed it to Vandyke
so as not to attract his wife's attention. However, just at that moment they were interrupted, which meant Vandyke could only stuff the napkin into
his pocket for later.

The next morning he removed the napkin to see what profundity his friend
had bequeathed him and, sure enough, there scrawled in Descartes hand was an expression of timeless insight, "I think they're for 1 am."


(For more on Rene Descartes, follow this link.)

Pass the Greens!

Question:
What leafy vegetable is most preferred by Baha'i
newlyweds?

Answer:
Lettuce, alone!

"Kittens for Sale!"

A man was walking down a busy city street when to his surprise he saw a boy with a box calling out, "kittens, racist kittens for sale, get a kitten".

The next day when he passed the same boy he was crying, "kittens, communist kittens, get a kitten today".

Needless, to say, he was a little surprised when the third day the boy was shouting, "Kittens, get a nationalist kitten for sale".

On the following day, however, and to the man's astonishment, the boy was calling out, "Bahá'í kittens, Bahá'í kittens for sale".

He was totally intrigued by this new development, so he stopped and asked the boy why the change. "One day they are racists, the next they are communists, then nationalists. Why do you say that they are Bahá'ís today?"

"Look at them," the boy replied, "on the fourth day they opened their eyes!"

Drac Attack

Question: Why doesn't Dracula become a Baha'i?

Answer: He can't stop backbiting!

Two Phones

A journalist goes to the White House to interview President Bush. On the table he notices a red phone and a golden phone. Curious about those phones, he asks what
are they for.

"I use the red phone to speak to Russian President, and the golden one to speak to God", Bush replies.

"Speak to God? I did not know that was possible… Is that an expensive call?"

"$500 a minute", the American President replies.

A couple of months later the same journalist goes to Moscow to interview President Putin. On the table he also notices a red phone and a golden phone. Curious about those phones he asks, "What are they for?"

"I use the red phone to speak to American President and the golden one to speak to God", Putin replies.

"Speak to God? I did not know that was possible… Is that an
expensive call?"

"$500 a minute", the Russian President replies.

A couple of months later the same journalist goes to Haifa to interview
some members of the House of Justice. On the table he also notices a red phone and a golden phone. Curious about those phones he asks what are they for.

"We use the red phone to speak to the United Nations and the golden one to speak to God", one member replies.

"Speak to God? You also speak directly to God. That must be a very expensive call."

"5 cents a minute", the UHJ member replies.

"But why is it so cheap?", asks the reporter.

"Because it’s a local call", was the answer.

A Virtuous Baha'i...

A Baha'i, shipwrecked on a deserted island with two compatriots, finds a magic lamp and runs to share it with his new friends. The Baha'i, a kindly and simple young man, rubs the old oil lamp. Poof, a genie appears! The Baha'i asks the smiling genie if he can have three wishes.

The genie replies "I'm sorry, but the rules say I can only grant one wish to each of you."

"OK," says the first friend, I wish for three full treasure chests in my new castle in Aruba!" and poof!, he is gone.

The second friend, a farmer, wishes to return to his family estate, enlarged three times with the richest, most fertile soil in the world, and poof! He is gone.

The Baha'i thinks for a bit, then says, "I'm not sure... I'm really not motivated by material things, so I'd just like to have my two friends back."