Baha'i Jokes

"Wuh?"

2007-03-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

A leisurely Baha'i showed up late for work for the third time in one week. His infuriated boss yelled, "You should have been here at 8:30!!!"
Scratching his head, he replied: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

"Yesterday"

2007-03-15T14:05:00.001-07:00

or "My Last Lunch was Yesterday"

Music by the Beatles
Words by Steve Thomson of the Northeast Amigos

Yesterday,
Lunch was such an easy thing to say,
Now I'd love a glass of Perrier.
Oh, my last lunch was yesterday.

Suddenly,
Days seem longer than they used to be,
Now I'm longing for some Sara Lee.
The Fast came up so suddenly.

I can't eat or drink
While the sun is in the sky.
'Til then I'm dreaming of
Big Macs and large fries.

Yesterday,
Lunch was such an easy thing to say,
Now my lunches seem so far away.
Oh, my last lunch was yesterday.
My last lunch was yesterday.

New Research Suggests...

2007-02-28T17:18:00.000-08:00

If a movie star offers you a shameless night of passion, and your response is,"Um... I need to investigate your character", you might be a Bahá'í.

If you get more excited by LSA than LSD, you might be a Bahá'í.

If the only smoke you envision when you hear the phrase "joint feast" is from overdone tadiq, you might be a Bahá'í.

If you think March Madness is the result of extreme hunger, you might be a Baha'i.

If you see "Some Assembly Required" written on a box and you think it
came from a place that needs home front pioneering, you might be a
Bahá'í.

If you see a real estate billboard that says "Fully Detached Community" and you drive on saying "We're not needed here", you might be a
Bahá'í.

If it's the Ides of March, your stomach growls, and you answer the pager on your belt, you might be a Bahá'í.

If your idea of the perfect family vacation is to wait for ten years,
climb a mountain on foot where there are no casinos, no golf course, no tennis courts, you have to stay quiet, stand in line, cannot take pictures, visit a lot of gravesites, and at the end of ten days they kick you out of the country, you might be a Bahá'í.

Entreaties Receive Divine Assistance

2007-02-27T15:38:00.000-08:00

A community member appeared before the LSA about a matter of significant personal concern. The Assembly, in response, consulted and proposed a thoughtful course of action. The petitioner listened carefully, then raised a series of objections, and anticipated difficulties in carrying out the suggestions.

The following week, the petitioner returned to the LSA with another issue, and the previous week's scenario played out again, with the petitioner at odds with the Assembly.

This continued for well over a month. Each time the friend presented some new problem, consultation ensued, and the friend raised objections to the guidance. By this time, the poor Assembly members were frustrated and in a general dither, not knowing how to assist the petitioner.

After a month of meetings, the friend sought more guidance. And, once more, the petitioner presented a new problem. Frazzled, but willing to consult one more time, the believer was invited to step into the next room while the Assembly consulted, and was asked and asked to recite the "The Remover of Difficulties" prayer 95 times while the LSA members consulted.

After consultation, one of the members went to fetch the believer from the room. The bewildered Assembly member returned to the group, and reported...

"The room is EMPTY"!

Be Thou Further Illuminated!

2007-02-21T20:08:00.000-08:00

Q: How many Baha'is does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10: 1 to change the bulb, and 9 to consult about it.

Q: How many Baha'is does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 12: 9 to consult about it, one to do it, and 2 to make tea.

Q: How many Baha'is does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2. One to screw it in, and one to bring refreshments.

Q: How many Baha'i Youth does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hold it, the rest to move the world!

Top 10 Ruhi - Inspired Songs

2007-02-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

10. Kenny Rogers - Ruhi, Don't Take Your Love to Town
9. The Rolling Stones - Ruhi Tuesday (Assembly Wednesday)
8. The Smashing Pumpkins / Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness - Thru the Eyes Of Ruhi
7. Seals & Crofts - Ruhi Gene (and Billie Lee)
6. Bjork - Ruhi Baby
5. Johnny Cash - See Ruhi Fall
4. Deep Purple - Jack Ruhi
3. Pat Green - Ruhi's Two Sad Daughters
2. Helen Reddy - Leave Me Alone (Ruhi Redress)

...And the nunber 1 Ruhi-inspired song...

The Kingsmen - Ruhi Ruhi

From the "Narcissus" Files...

2007-02-19T14:07:00.000-08:00

"Dear friends- You are cordially invited to attend the upcoming..."

2007-02-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

A Checkered Past

2007-02-19T13:41:00.000-08:00

Top 9 Signs You Could Use a Little More Deepening

2007-02-19T13:15:00.000-08:00

9. You think that 'Secret of Divine Civilization' is a mystery novel

8. You go to feast wearing a dinner jacket

7. You've taken warning and built a shelter in order to protect yourself from entry by those dreaded troops

6. You think 'Progressive Revelation' is just a fancy term for strip poker

5. The only thing you know about Akká, is that it is the same word spelled backwards

4. You take marshmallows to firesides

3. You're worried about your chances of getting audited by the Huqúqu'llah Committee

2. Your interpretation of the Four Year Plan: interested seekers can declare for a 4 year trial period without any further obligations

1. 1844? Army time for 6:44 p.m.

Top 9 ‘Golden Age’ Disney Remakes

2007-02-19T13:06:00.000-08:00

9. Herbie Goes on Pilgrimage

8. The Shaggy Auxiliary Board Member

7. James and the Giant Seeker

6. 9 Dalmatians

5. Snow White and the Seven Assembly Members

4. Honey I Shrunk The House of Worship

3. The Apple Dumpling Gang Pays Huququ’llah

2. Beauty and the Feast

1. FAITHtasia

2007-02-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

Q:  Why is Baha'u'llah the best interior decorator?
A:  Because he can change abasement into glory.

Q:  What do you call a Baha'i who gets evicted from his
    apartment?
A:  A traveling teacher!

Q:  Why should Baha'is never use stain remover?
A:  Baha'u'llah said, "Blessed is the spot."

God Answers Prayers

2007-02-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

Two Baha'i milk glasses- one empty, the second the same, except for a straw sticking out of it- were conversing.

The glass with the straw says to the other, "Everything was going fine. I was saying my prayers this morning, and then I said, "O God, make me a hollow reed..."

Cogito Ergo Sum-thing...

2007-02-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

The story goes that Mrs. Descartes was preparing an event to commemorate
the Ascension of 'Abdu'l-Baha. She had invited all the local Baha'is.

Moments before the guests started to arrive she instructed her husband,
Rene, that the pastries on the table to the side were not to be eaten until the commemoration started. To make sure, she gave Rene the job of guarding them until an hour or so after midnight -- at which time she would invite the guests to help themselves. Though deep in thought, he agreed to mind the table.

As the party got into full swing, Descartes found himself in an absorbing
philosophical discussion with Vandyke over why Titian removed a church from
the Venetian background in one of his paintings. To hear each other better, the two wandered away from the crowd, in the direction of the forbidden baked goods.

Without Descartes noticing, Vandyke starting munching thoughtfully on a pastry. Suddenly Descartes snapped out of his thoughts and realised what Vandyke was doing. His reaction surprised Vandyke, who figured that Descartes surely must have just thought of something of great significance.

Discretely, Descartes wrote a message on a napkin and handed it to Vandyke
so as not to attract his wife's attention. However, just at that moment they were interrupted, which meant Vandyke could only stuff the napkin into
his pocket for later.

The next morning he removed the napkin to see what profundity his friend
had bequeathed him and, sure enough, there scrawled in Descartes hand was an expression of timeless insight, "I think they're for 1 am."

(For more on Rene Descartes, follow this link.)

Pass the Greens!

2007-02-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

Question:
What leafy vegetable is most preferred by Baha'i
newlyweds?

Answer:
Lettuce, alone!

"Kittens for Sale!"

2007-02-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

A man was walking down a busy city street when to his surprise he saw a boy with a box calling out, "kittens, racist kittens for sale, get a kitten".

The next day when he passed the same boy he was crying, "kittens, communist kittens, get a kitten today".

Needless, to say, he was a little surprised when the third day the boy was shouting, "Kittens, get a nationalist kitten for sale".

On the following day, however, and to the man's astonishment, the boy was calling out, "Bahá'í kittens, Bahá'í kittens for sale".

He was totally intrigued by this new development, so he stopped and asked the boy why the change. "One day they are racists, the next they are communists, then nationalists. Why do you say that they are Bahá'ís today?"

"Look at them," the boy replied, "on the fourth day they opened their eyes!"

Drac Attack

2007-02-06T19:28:00.000-08:00

Question: Why doesn't Dracula become a Baha'i?

Answer: He can't stop backbiting!

Two Phones

2007-02-06T12:01:00.000-08:00

A journalist goes to the White House to interview President Bush. On the table he notices a red phone and a golden phone. Curious about those phones, he asks what
are they for.

"I use the red phone to speak to Russian President, and the golden one to speak to God", Bush replies.

"Speak to God? I did not know that was possible… Is that an expensive call?"

"$500 a minute", the American President replies.

A couple of months later the same journalist goes to Moscow to interview President Putin. On the table he also notices a red phone and a golden phone. Curious about those phones he asks, "What are they for?"

"I use the red phone to speak to American President and the golden one to speak to God", Putin replies.

"Speak to God? I did not know that was possible… Is that an
expensive call?"

"$500 a minute", the Russian President replies.

A couple of months later the same journalist goes to Haifa to interview
some members of the House of Justice. On the table he also notices a red phone and a golden phone. Curious about those phones he asks what are they for.

"We use the red phone to speak to the United Nations and the golden one to speak to God", one member replies.

"Speak to God? You also speak directly to God. That must be a very expensive call."

"5 cents a minute", the UHJ member replies.

"But why is it so cheap?", asks the reporter.

"Because it’s a local call", was the answer.

A Virtuous Baha'i...

2007-02-05T21:03:00.000-08:00

A Baha'i, shipwrecked on a deserted island with two compatriots, finds a magic lamp and runs to share it with his new friends. The Baha'i, a kindly and simple young man, rubs the old oil lamp. Poof, a genie appears! The Baha'i asks the smiling genie if he can have three wishes.

The genie replies "I'm sorry, but the rules say I can only grant one wish to each of you."

"OK," says the first friend, I wish for three full treasure chests in my new castle in Aruba!" and poof!, he is gone.

The second friend, a farmer, wishes to return to his family estate, enlarged three times with the richest, most fertile soil in the world, and poof! He is gone.

The Baha'i thinks for a bit, then says, "I'm not sure... I'm really not motivated by material things, so I'd just like to have my two friends back."

Pioneering

2006-10-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

`Abdu'l-Bahá told a Bahá'í to prepare to go to India to teach the Faith. So he prepared by studying Indian culture, languages, etc. But at the last minute, the Master changed his mind and decided to send him to America.

"But I thought I was going to India," said the Pioneer.

`Abdu'l-Bahá answered, "So did Columbus."

---
A reader commented that this is a true story!

The Ubiquitous Lightbulb Question

2006-10-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

Q. How many Baha'is does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Baha'is don't do that. They teach the light bulb,
and if it wants to transform, it'll change itself!

It's a Two Letter Name!

2006-10-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

Q: What is the name of the bird in the Tablet of Ahmad?

A: "Lo, the nightingale..."

Gotta Ask the Folks!

2006-10-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

Q: What's a Baha'i fruit that a couples in love should never eat?
A: Cantaloupe

The Vet

2006-10-05T19:46:00.001-07:00

An old WWII vet went to his local watering hole once a week on Fridays and ordered three beers. He did this every week for some years, and became a familiar sight to the bartender. One evening, curiosity got the best of the bartender, and he asked the old man, "why do you come here and get three beers every single Friday?". The old man laughed and said "well, when I was in WWII, my two best buddies and I agreed that wherever we were, we would get three beers every Friday- one for each of us. That way, we always remember one another." The bartender smiled, thanked the old man for the explanation, and said goodbye to him as he left the bar. The next week, the old man walked in as usual, climbed onto his favorite barstool, and said hello to the bartender, who'd already set aside three beers. "Actually, said the veteran, "this week, I will only be needing two beers." The bartender was stunned by the change in routine and stuttered "b-b-but why only two?". With a smile on his face, the old man replied, "Because I'm a Baha'i now!"

Two Travelling Teachers

2006-10-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

Two Bahá'í travelling teachers were in a small town, looking for a place to stay. The only place for rent was the basement of an old house that had a reputation for being haunted. They took the place and moved in. The neighbors were curious to see how long they would be able to stay in the haunted basement. A week passed, then two. The travelling teachers showed no signs of moving out. Finally, someone came and asked them how they could bear to stay, and weren't they afraid of the ghosts? "Oh no," one of the teachers replied, "We're Bahá'ís." "What does being Bahá'ís have to do with it?" the questioner inquired. "Well, you see, Bahá'u'lláh said, 'Fear not abasement...'"

Show Me the Plastic!

2006-10-05T19:43:00.001-07:00

Q. How did `Abdu'l-Bahá finance his trip across America and Europe?

A. With Master-Card!

Just a Pain!

2006-10-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

Q.Why don't Bahá'ís get headaches?

A. Because Bahá'u'lláh gave them Tablets!

Old School Fasteners

2006-10-05T19:41:00.001-07:00

Q. What did they have before Bahá'í buttons were invented?

A. Bábí pins!

Jungle Dinner

2006-10-05T19:40:00.001-07:00

A Bahá'í pioneer was trespassing through the jungle of some tropical country, when suddenly he found himself surrounded by naked men with bones through their noses, waving spears. They tied him up and threw him in a stew-pot, then started piling firewood underneath. Drums sounded. In desperation the pioneer began reciting the "remover of difficulties" prayer. Suddenly the drumming stopped. One cannibal looked at another and said "Hey guys! I think we've just found the ninth member of our Local Spiritual Assembly!"

The Unexpected Visitor

2006-10-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

'Abdu'l-Baha' and his secretary were working late at night transcribing a tablet, when they heard sharp rapping sounds coming from the front room. The assistant rose and answered the door. A disheveled man standing on the threshold suddenly exclaimed in Farsi, “I think I’m a moth, and I need to see 'Abdu'l-Baha'.”

“His Holiness cannot be disturbed” the transcriber said.

Once again the intruder exclaimed, “I think I’m a moth, and I need to see 'Abdu'l-Baha'”

“But”, said the shaken assistant, “We moved into this house just yesterday. In all of Shiraz, you could not know he was here. How did you find the Master?”

“Are you serious?” replied the man. “Your light was on.”

Three Departed Souls at the Gates of Heaven

2006-10-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

A Christian, Muslim, and Bahá'í all die at the same time. They come upon the gates of Heaven. The angel Gabriel greets them and says, "To enter Heaven you must answer one question correctly. If you get it right, you can enter. If you get it wrong, you will fall into a fiery abyss, never to approach God, the Almighty".

The Christian steps up, and Gabriel asks, "Who is the most recent Manifestation of God on earth?" The Christian confidently responds, "Jesus Christ, the Son of God!". Suddenly the ground opens and swallows him up.

The Muslim approaches, and Gabriel asks, "Who is the most recent Manifestation of God on earth?" The Muslim fearlessly responds "Muhammad, the Apostle of God". Suddenly the ground opens and swallows him up.

Finally, the eager Bahá'í steps up, and Gabriel asks, "Spell Huqúqu’lláh."